Here
is that F word again…this is how I felt when this F word kept coming up in my
space. Why do I have to be the bigger person? Why do I have to be the one
always going around forgiving? Forgiveness was an interesting process because
growing up in the church it felt like a weak idea. The analogies like when you
are slapped turn the other cheek and get slapped again, WHAT THE???? Forgiveness
never felt authentic….remember when your parents made you say you were sorry or
you were going to get a whooping. So you chose to say “sorry” instead of the
whooping. In some of those cases I was not sorry for what I did.
However,
I have evolved from those days and have come to see forgiveness in a different
light. I was sitting in the middle of my bed when I got slapped with the F-
BOMB again. I was angry because I just did not get why life kept showing
up for me the way it did. Things were
not going the way I planned it. Let me get real right here….I was hurt again by
this man who I thought I loved. The pain in my heart was excruciating. I was
crying to GOD again. I was screaming and
cursing. Whew I am so glad GOD is GOD. Finally, I am starting to calm down and
I just screamed WHY? WHY GOD? The book flew
open on my bed to the page on FORGIVENESS. I looked I said, “WHAT!” I thought to myself I do not have anybody to
forgive I love everybody. I heard this voice say draw a line down the middle of
the paper, then write down the pro’s and the con’s of the relationships. When I
started to write the con’s words like rejection, abandonment, pain from not
showing up when he said he was, not honoring my birthday, voracious appetite
for women which made me feel not important to him and I could go on. The voice
said when was the earliest you can remember feeling this way. This vision of
myself as a little girl appeared in my mind. I was sitting in the window
waiting on my mother for my birthday. I was about eight years of age. I was
waiting with a strong conviction in my heart she was going to come because it
was my birthday. I sat the whole day no come, call or write. I went to sleep
crying saying the very things I was feeling sitting in the middle of my bed as
an adult. I was telling myself I was not important. No one loved me, I was
unlovable, I am not good enough and the list can go on. That same story I told
myself in my devastation as a little girl became my reality as an adult.
So
I began to read the chapter on FORGIVENESS in the book “Tapping The Power
Within” by Iyanla Vanzant. I did the forgiveness exercise. It changed my life. However,
in my evolution of forgiveness I found that I had to first acknowledge my pain.
I had to learn to process it meaning recognize that it was valid not make
myself wrong for feeling a certain way. Then I had to get to the root of why
this was showing up in my space. After spending some time with myself in my
PAIN, which is an acronym for Pay Attention Inward Now, Then I could move into
forgiveness, releasing and letting it go.
In
my journey of forgiveness I found true forgiveness comes from the heart. This
lesson was a big one for me that forgiveness is not a destination it is a
journey. My job is to constantly do the work to Forgive.
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